I did run yesterday. Ok, in most, if not all circles, I walked A LOT and ran/walk 1 min five times. But it felt so good! It's time. I wonder what it will feel like when I can run for a hour again...I will never take that for granted.
I also did something I've thought about for along time.
I cut off my mom's ring.
I couldn't take it off....
because I had stopped running...
because I never lost 1 lb of that weight.
I think it was fitting. I carried the weight of my mom.
I wore the ring thinking it was good to wear as a tribute. But instead, the memories it brought weren't the good ones. They were the ghosts.
But I needed to wear it that long...I think it takes time to work through things. I think each person needs their own amount of time. I needed 9 years.
My mom always said, "You'll understand when you get older." I would 'get' why she did what she did...especially when I had children of my own.
That didn't happen. I think it startled her....I was so different.
But I had children after high school...after I got married. Not that I judged her...but she really was in a different place...different frame of mind. So...when I had children it was different.
I had a husband that married me because he wanted to, years before, not because I was pregnant. And we stayed married.
I was older and had different experiences. Many, many good ones...especially because of her. She would protect me from many of the terrible things that happened to her.
I am grateful for that.
She pushed and pushed for me to work hard in school...and I have a great work ethic. I love to work! Do quality work...
She was never a fan of kids....I about fell off the planet when I looked at my first child (and my second and third). Heck...I loved him from the moment he moved. I talked to him and read to him...and loved to be with him.
I would never blame him for changing my life...even though I had to change careers and took a few more years to get my degree. Even though I'd get post partum depression and do most of it on my own because of my husband's job. In fact...it made me appreciate happiness more...and 'our' time became different that whole family time. I was more 'me' with them. No secrets...no aires...simply me.
I thought the ring would help me remember the good things. My dad designed it for my mom. It was a natural setting with 2 diamonds...
When I cut it off...my skin stayed indented...hours later it's still! lol I'm much heavier now.
I turned the diamonds into earrings...set in white gold...different from the yellow.
There is a story there..(isn't there always...)
I think it will be fitting when my dad asks about the ring...he will.
When I was 18, my dad gave me diamond earrings about the same size. When I was married...many years later the setting became loose and I took them to the jewelers with my husband to get them tightened.
The jeweler said they were not real. The setting was real but not the diamonds. I didn't believe him! I called my dad from the store thinking something was up!
He laughed, my dad, on the phone...maybe they weren't...he bought them from some guy on the street. "Oh well."
UGH... I was speechless. "Just asking...I thought...just in case.." I hung up. I had no voice.
It wasn't the point they were real. It was the lie. I just always felt things weren't real...there were secrets...I tried to expect them..but it never occurred to me. I loved those earrings and wore them daily.
I never really went to any jewelers after that...was never really interested in 'real jewels' (my husband has been sooo lucky). LOL
Those earrings...those jewels... signified my dad's love...that he did love me. (That is dumb I know...money is not love...but it was just such a good memory...it was such a special moment...so exciting...so unexpected...so happy..and part of it was now a lie.)
BUT NOW... they won't be. I won't have the ring that seemed to strangle my finger....
But now...I'll have the diamond earrings... they will be the only set I own! I choose the setting, type of gold. They are from my dad...but uniquely from me.
I texted my girlfriend...I thought she'd be shocked...the ring was pretty significant size wise. It rarely went unnoticed. Still...I'm not a fancy, jewelry person.
Do you know what she sent back....
"Cutting away the burdens that you have been carrying about that and
now turning into something new and different."
She knew my parents completely...as few have know them. She saw the good and the ugly...and knows I love them...and she loves them.
How fitting....how true....
PS...because of the exchange rate..(I sold the yellow gold), I also was able to get a set of opal earrings! I LOVE that stone...and these are allllll mine! A gift from my mom...and they are beautiful!