Panic in the Morning

Tuesday morning, the day of my regular Martha appearance, I was looking over my notes on the computer and mentally preparing for the day when it happened: The screen dissolved in a sea of black stars. It felt as if someone had pulled out my power cord, and my energy dropped. My head and limbs went cold, weak, and heavy. Oh no. Not again.

If you've ever had a panic attack, then you know this is not a fun moment. It's completely 100% disconcerting--whether it's your first or your fiftieth. It's not an unfamiliar feeling for me: Back in my mid 20s I suffered a series of debilitating panic attacks that shook me to the core. Eventually, I went on meds to help temper them.

While there is some debate in the medical field over whether someone can actually suffer a "chemical imbalance" (and while some say absolutely, others say it's a load of bunk--I'm not sure what I think), the fact is there was also a lot going on beneath the surface: My parents were divorcing, I was under a new set of stresses as a grad student, and so it goes.

And quite honestly, years went by when I really didn't think of it at all anymore, nor did I experience them...but as it goes with panic and anxiety, they may not be in your face all the time, but they tend to linger in the background and emerge when your defenses are down. For me, it happens in the morning--always--and is accompanied by the upsetting sensation that all the blood has drained from my body and my limbs are 50 pounds each, and that I might be sick. I can do nothing but sink the floor, curl up in a ball, and wait.

Being schooled on yoga techniques and deep breathing and the rest (I've been at Body+Soul for many years now!), yes, I know there are things you can do to help lower your stress levels over all and even try in a pinch, in the moment. But my god, if I know these things and it's still hard for me to crawl out of that dreaded hole...well, let's just say it's not easy.

The funny thing about panic is that you could have every reason in the world to experience it, or no reason. I wasn't nervous about appearing on the Martha show; I've done it for years and always enjoy it. But most panic moments are not always so easily diagnosable, and come about as a result of a confluence of factors. I had been under more stress than usual, and had just returned from a business trip, was feeling jet lagged and funky and just overall irritable. Panic saw its opportunity, and took it.

So what did I do? Launch into a yoga pose or start a series of breathing techniques? Nope. I tried to just work through it, taking a shower and then, feeling ever weaker, stumbled out stark naked and dripping wet and collapsed onto my bed. I grabbed my cat and curled up there for about 15 minutes, until the waves had passed. Then I got up, and got dressed.

But it's not like once it does you hop back up. You go slowly. You go easy. You worry a little that it might return. In my case, I showed up late to the set--but the world did not end. It went on; I went on. To watch the clip of that day's show, you'd hardly think I was balled up on my bed just hours before.

And that's the one thing that we panic attack sufferers have to comfort us: Panic is so energy-consuming and intense that it is essentially unsustainable, and thus doesn't last very long.

What do you do when anxiety catches you in its grip? How have you handled panic? I'd love to hear your words of advice to me and others who suffer this--some daily, some once a year. It never gets easier.

-Terri Trespicio, senior ed, Whole Living
Follow me @TerriT