Taking Time to Recharge

My Christmas tree is still up.

That’s my 5-year-old in front of it. As these posts wind down, I felt like she needed to make an appearance!

Nearing the end of Week 4, I have indeed made soup (butternut squash, which came out very well, yay!) and went to hot yoga (which was just yoga in a hot room. I think I was expecting something more … primal.) I have journaled, eaten well, reflected, and focused on gratitude. And I have been introspective; oh, have I ever.

So why am I thinking about my Christmas tree? Well, for one thing, it’s a reminder that some stuff got neglected this month, because so much of attention and energy was focused on the Plan. And that in turn made me think about gratitude and sorrow, frustration and forgiveness. I don’t know if this is happening to you, but for me, introspection unpacks both the good and bad. For all the light in my life, some of it is hard-won after periods of darkness. The things I cherish most today — spouse and children, for example — can also occasionally be my greatest sources of worry and stress. When you excavate everything in your heart, sometimes you uncover things that you can’t put away again easily.

For myself it is a car accident that I was in 12 years ago. I was on the expressway when I got clipped by another car, slammed into the median, ricocheted off and spun out over five lanes of traffic, finally coming to rest against a guardrail that overlooked a 40-foot drop. I walked away — I actually drove away, believe it or not — completely unscathed. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I am truly grateful for every day since then.

You would think that being the recipient of an actual miracle would have no downside! But the truth is that there is sadness associated with it. For years I wondered why it didn’t give me more courage or clarity to change the trajectory of my life, that I squandered the biggest wake-up call I would ever get to become someone very different — who exactly I was never sure, probably the fantasy self we all carry within us. I’ve come to peace with it, of course, but that doubt and frustration are an indelible thread in my enduring gratitude.

As this month ends, my heart is full to the brim with optimism and celebration. But it's possible that ghosts of grief and regret may make their appearance this week as well, if only to make our good fortune burn that much brighter. That in cherishing the people in our lives, we may remember those we have lost. As we bring hope and resolve to the future, there is the uncomfortable process of acknowledgement and forgiveness too.

So whether the Plan has prompted small or big changes, it may also have unleashed some powerful stuff, emotions not easily packed away by January 31. While I hadn’t really thought about one aspect of the Plan being more important than another, I’m realizing that perhaps its last piece of advice is the best: take time to recharge. Focusing on yourself for a whole month is both a luxury and a lot of work! I’m scheduling a massage for myself, a babysitter so I can clean my office, a funny book to cleanse my mental palate, and a big cup of coffee. And I’m going to get some creative writing of my own done. Oh right, and I’m taking the tree down.

As the Plan winds down, what emotions is it bringing up for you? How do you plan to recharge?