I've decided to kind of ease into things, no grand sweeping life changes, no pronouncements that I will be someone completely different now. You know, I've tried that before and it doesn't work well for me. Last year was tough. Things started looking dicey at work a little over a year ago, and I was already stressed and gaining weight steadily when I was finally laid off in June. Now, things seem better. I don't know why, it's not like anything has really changed. I still don't have a job. I still don't know what the future holds. But I feel like something has shifted inside my head. Suddenly I seem to be seeing the positive side of things.
On New Years Eve I was thinking about how, now that I don't have to spend 11-15 hours a day at work, I actually have the time to exercise every day. I can go for 2 hour walks in the middle of the day. I can go for a mid-day bike ride! I used to be so jealous of people who could do that, and I never twigged to the fact that now I can too. Maybe I was too busy feeling guilty about not bringing home a paycheck. I was really carrying some dark, heavy baggage around with me.
So I started making a list of all the things I always wished I could do but never had the time for. Exercising for FUN, not just as an obligation. Planning healthy meals. Actually COOKING those meals. OK, learning to cook is on that list too. I have never cooked, ever. There are a lot of things that I never had time for that I can totally embrace right now.
I started keeping a journal. In it, I write about the things I accomplished each day. I don't write down negative things, just the positive things. I didn't make commitments to exercise for hours every day and prepare great meals and all that, I just made a commitment that I would wake up every day and remind myself that I CAN do those things today, if I choose. And most days, I do choose that. Sometimes I also choose to lie on the couch and read, or do my nails, or some other thing that is just for me.
So today I am heading out to the Lafayette Reservoir to do 2 laps on the hilly trail, and I'll probably have a nice salad for lunch. Then for dinner, probably more salad, with chicken. And lots of water. That's 6 miles of big hills and very moderate food intake. I'm also going to go spend a gift certificate and I'll probably lie around and read for a couple of hours too.
That feels like whole living to me.