Timely Reminders

This week, I had a tangible reminder of why I signed up to do this - bridesmaid dresses. I am the maid of honor for my sister, who is getting married in October, and we went to check out dresses. We had high hopes, since we were looking at a specific fabric/color combo available in 3 styles, but I was also pretty nervous because I could stand to lose about 25 pounds.

I wasn't fully prepared for the tiny backroom they had, or to have a bride in there trying on dresses too, or most importantly, to just be put in a room with 4 dresses that were a size 8 as if it would not be an issue. Despite the fact that the average American woman is not, in fact, size 8, that is the only size that sample bridesmaid dresses were available in for that store (and many others, actually). Aside from me trying on the same cut in a different color and fabric, my sister had to try on all the dresses after that. At lunch she mentioned that she just wants to make sure that I like whatever we choose in the end, and she wants me to be excited about it - which is totally reasonable. It's pretty hard to feel excited after an embarrassing experience like that, however, even if the dresses are beautiful and sophisticated. The dress isn't the problem - it's me. And not just because I need to lose weight, but because of how uncomfortable and embarrassed I feel about it all, and guilty that I can't have fun with it more easily.

October is of course far away, but then there's also other weddings, and the nice reminder via a new Facebook group that my 10 year high school reunion will be some time this summer. They feel far away, but it takes time to work towards 25 pounds coming off. This why I feel that even though the reminders create complicated feelings, they are quite timely - we are essentially at the end of the Action Plan, even if I personally have another day or two to go. People have dropped off - maybe not from their commitment, but certainly from the community a little - because life is busy and things come up. Even I have felt enthusiasm wax and wane throughout, and I had a commitment to be an active participant via blogging.

I have definitely failed at various things throughout this month, which just adds to the list of recent failures like the bar exam, but I have made some positive changes, and it's important to stick with them. Even if we aren't doing a community challenge until October 3rd, I still need to keep the ball rolling. It's important to study for the bar exam that is less than 4 weeks away (which is has been giving me increasing anxiety) but it truly is equally important to take care of myself - to eat right and not skip meals out of anxiety or laziness, to sleep well, to get exercise, and to build time in to relax and socialize with friends.

So tonight, I am going to dinner and a movie with my sister, and I'm going to be super brave and wear the outfit she bought me for Christmas (leggings! with a sweater and belt to create a waist, how chic), and I am going to be very mindful of how rare these moments are for me these days. Then tomorrow, I'm going to start setting an alarm again, I'm going to go to the gym, and I'm going to make more progress with the studying. It's been rough, but I can only assume that logically, I will feel better if I participate actively, just like I've gotten more out of this by participating actively.